opening scenes.

dear you.

i have struggled to come to terms with the way things have panned out.  you'd be aware that it is almost 1 year to the day that you left australia.  that year has been eventful and meritorious for me.  yet still you linger in my mind like the sound of a distressed dog.  i want to rescue it, but i want it dead.

now you have gone and started something up with someone else and i feel burned to the core in a way that i did not know was possible.  for as long as i can remember i have been a cold person inside, and although through fits and turns that has been assuaged and disarmed by interactions with others (particularly you) it has remained steadfast when almost everything else about me has been prone to capriciousness.

in an effort to exorcise the ghost from my mind and my heart, i am attempting to put my feelings into words.  the nature of our 'relationship' and the 'evolution' of it to it's eventual demise has meant that the majority of my 'real life' people have no idea that you even exist.  this is my own doing.  my immense fear of failing and rejection leaves me frozen to verbalising the truth to anyone outside of my own head.  having this kind of counter-productive personality is not easy.  it seems so obvious in hindsight (doesn't everything?) that simply being forthright may have solved these issues for me, that it makes me feel very ill.  the irony is not lost on me; i know that part of what attracted you to me in the beginning is this guise of stubborn honesty i hold.  notwithstanding this, i called you out on being a charlatan.  but it's not really you who is the charlatan, is it?

i have a strikingly powerful short term memory, but my long term memory fails me on many occasions.  i intend to document the genesis of this thing we had and the subsequent chronology.  of course, i will fictionalise our story as and when i see fit; but i do not intend to compromise the authenticity of what i am attempting to do here.  like i said, this is an exercise in getting rid of you.  you have had a hold of me for so long now that my mind has shrunk several sizes to compensate and this is both embarrassing and unacceptable.

i hope you dream of komodo dragons biting you tonight.

E.